Benjamin Robert Smith-Nutley

My beautiful little boy Benjamin Robert Smith-Nutley was brought into this world on 2nd february 2006. He was gorgeous with big green eyes. He looked like his brother tommy. He was 9 weeks early weighing 4lb. We named him Ben after his daddy but he soon became known to everyone as "baby ben". My waters broke at 31 weeks; Ben wasnt born at basildon hospital like my other children, i was taken to a different hospital in stevenage which was lister hospital for a emergency C-section. Ben was taken down to the baby intensive care unit and put into a incubtator. At first Ben was doing well but then we was told that he had pneumonia and lots of other complications but Ben put up a fight and fought them all. He was a little fighter. But then he began to have fits and thats when they told us that he could be handicapped. I stayed with my baby day and night and after 5 weeks we got transferred to Great Ormond street childrens hospital (GOSH) in London for Ben to see the specialist as he needed a operation to stop him bringing up his milk. The operation didn't succeed and ben was still poorly. He had another two operations and they was not any success either. On the 6th april they told us some very horrible and bad news; not what Bens daddy or me wanted to hear that our little boy was not getting any better. They done a MRI scan and they found out that the reason why ben was so poorly was because part of his brain hadn't developed properly and that we had to prepare ourselves for the worst as Ben was going to pass away. I phoned all the family and they all came to the hospital asap. We was given the choice weather to go to basildon hospital or a childrens hospice. We chose the Little Havens Childrens Hospice in Thundersley. Baby Ben managed to put up a fight on that thursday evening his last day at GOSH. My sister Bubs stayed with me. That night i gave my precious little boy as many cuddles as i could i didnt want to let go. On the friday we was transfered by ambulance to Little Havens where all our family would be waiting for my baby to arrive so that they could spend his last hours with him. Ben kept stop breathing but being the little fighter that he was he would come back again and he did this right through the Friday night. Then on the Saturday 8th of April i was holding my little boy when i noticed his colour change a member of staff checked his heartbeat and they told us it was very faint. They checked it again and my babys heartbeat had gone!!! He had left our lifes for good, he wasnt coming back anymore. I felt empty. He passed away at 4.44pm on 8th april 2006. When Ben was layed to rest he looked like a little china doll. I couldnt beleive and still cant beleive that my gorgeous little boy wasnt and isnt coming home. Bens funeral was a very very hard day. We had all our family for suppport and we done the best we could to make our little boy proud of his mummy and daddy. Tommy his big brother who is 3 loves Ben so much and forever talks about his "baby brother Ben" being up in the stars with nanny Alice, grandad Jim, grandad Charlie, and grandad Richard. We had he aint heavy, hes my brother played as Bens daddy carried his casket in. followed by celine dions goodbye is the hardest word from me his mummy and eric claptons tears in heaven from his daddy. Ben also bought a miriacle for me and his daddy a beautiful sister Amelia born on 18th January 2007 Bens nannys birthday (my mums). I have done this site for those who would like to share there love for my beautiful little boy Benjamin. I love you darling and we shall meet again one day soon. love you so much love mummy (caz smith) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

This is poem that my auntie vicky wrote for baby ben. she read it out at bens funeral. xxx

Oh dear lord we cant believe,
what you have gone and done,
you took with you our baby ben,
whos life had just begun,
for 9 weeks he has fought so hard,
we've watched him and weve cried,
we've seen him go through painful tests,
and still he has survived,
you could have picked him up dear lord,
and held him in your hands,
you stood by and done nothing,
we cannot understand,
a ray of light shone on his crib,
just above his head,
when gods voice spoke out clearly,
and this is what he said,
you cannot see my angels,
which i had placed nearby,
they have been with him everyday,
and sung him a lullaby,
i left them there to give him strength,
to help to pull him through,
they told me he was very weak,
and they dont know what to do,
as i walked around my gardens,
i heard my angels call my name,
please come down we need you,
baby ben is still the same,
when i arrived i could feel his pain,
as i walked through the door,
i saw how he was suffering,
he could not take anymore,
i know how much you love him,
and your hearts i will destroy,
but i need to take the pain away,
of this precious baby boy,
his great grandparents have done their best,
they have been there by his side,
each of them have kissed his face,
prayed over him and cried,
their tears have fell upon him,
each and everyhour,
they have tried to make him better,
but they did not have the power,
now i will touch him with my hand,
i will take him to my home,
lay him in my garden,
where all the children roam,
as ben grows up in heaven,
he will run up and down my stairs,
have toys like you've never seen,
and loads of teddy bears,
his great grandparents will care for him,
they will make sure he is alright,
wake him everymorning,
lay him down to sleep each night,
i will tell him about his family,
and how much i saw them prey,
i will let him peep through the stars,
and watch his brother play,
tell tommy about his brother,
and the special bond they hold,
because one day he will meet him,
in heaven when hes old,
god lifted him with just one hand,
he held him to his chest,
come with me littleman,
its time for you to rest,
the angels sang a nursery rhyme,
flew over him above,
covered him in holy dust,
which smothered him with love,
god felt the power in his soul,
such strength and yet so frail,
when a angel wispered in god ear,
he waits for nanny Al,
two angels went to fetch her,
our lord could not believe,
that without his great nan by his side,
ben refused to leave,
they found her in the garden,
making ben a bed,
so when he got to heaven,
he could rest his tiny head,
she left with them to go to him,
in her hand she held a shawl,
she went bare footed down the stairs,
because she did not want to fall,
his little face was full of smiles,
when she walked through the door,
he told the lord "thats my nan"
im not frightened anymore,
she looked at carrie-anne and ben,
she could not find the words to say,
to lose their child has broke their hearts,
and took their world away
she looked back down at baby ben
such a beautiful great grandson
now my darling wave goodbye
and blow a kiss to everyone
we now must travel through the stars
i know you will be brave
bring with you your teddy bear
the one which daddy gave
she wrapped him in the shawl she brought
as the dear lord closed his eyes
she could not bare to hear the sound
of everybody cries
i know you dont believe in god
but one day you will see
he came for ben to take his pain
just like he did for me
when the gates of heaven opened
every angel knelt to pray
except for all the children
they wanted him to play
god tried to make them understand
our ben was much to small
when he can crawl, walk and talk
he can play with you all
two little angels held his hand
because our ben was new
one gave him their piglet
and the other their winnie the pooh
this baby needs to sleep awhile
please take him to his bed
place a white dove at his feet
and another at his head
so he can see them when he wakes
he can watch them as they fly
their flapping wings will make him laugh
i dont want him to cry
mummy and daddy please wipe your tears
i will take care of your son
for he will be spoilt rotten
and loved by everyone
he is priceless diamond
a rare rose that was grown
and he has got the cutest face
that i have ever known
when darkness falls upon the skies
i will give ben his own star
so he can look down through the night
to see just where you are
hold him in your dreams each night
hold him in your heart
hold him in your memories
and you'll never be apart
a robin is a rare bird
you may see now and then
wave your hand to say hello
that robin will be ben
he will hop around outside your doors
listen to him as he sings
he just like ben so beautiful
with tiny little wings
ben will blow his kisses down
from high up in the sky
so they will fall upon you
everytime you cry
two special ones, he will not blow
held tight within his palms
he wants to give them to you
when you hold him in your arms
so he can look into yours eyes
see smiles instead of tears
and show you both the kisses
which he held for many years
as my angels wash and dress him
his nanny will comb his hair
i have made for him blue tiny shoes
so his feet will not be bare
please tell him dear lord we love him
how you took him to ease his pain
and one day we will come for him
to take him back again
untill that day sleep tight
cuddle your teddy bear
stay near the gates of heaven
one day we will be there.